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ABOUT ME  NAME: Nur Amalina DOB: 18.03.1989 LOCATION: West, Singapore Link Me WISH LIST ~Al-Jannah
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Wednesday, September 20, 2006
crying while eating...how pathetic is that? n i guess, i'll be crying myself to sleep. which i really hate but can't help it. i thought by stuffing those food down i could control myself but nooo...i get so disappointed when i don't see a tinge of positivity at all from my parents...when matters relating to my parents are of concern, i get extremely sensitive. i cried while eating at adam rd when dad was talking to me okay. yes, he was juz talking abt the biz. he wasnt scolding or humiliating me in the public or sth. they doubt the biz? i don't think so. my dad was saying abt his lifestyle n that he knows he's not meant to do biz...then i rmbr what my mum once told me...tt she too can't do business bcoz of her personality...i really wonder now...how in the world did i, their daughter, get interested and choose to study biz... dad said i could join. he'd juz support. then what? me alone? n there's no word frm mum yet. oh manz...i thought we could do this as a family...it's an opportunity tt shldn't be missed...psychologically, of course anybody can be successful in the biz but practically, looking at my situation... 17 yrs old, will be the 1st student in the biz if i join taking 2 diplomas at the same time commitment in SPMLS n SILAT working part-time the holy month of Ramadhan with all these, i barely have enough time for myself what more the biz? i'm so pressurized now...but quiting is definitely not an option. i really need some signs now. i really do. Oh Allah, pls help ur hopeless servant. sometimes i feel so pressurized, to be the first child... sometimes i wonder, am i creating to much trouble for my parents? sometimes i feel hopeless, for not being able to potray the meaning of my own name. sometimes i pity my parents, for having to deal with their first daughter who is so ambitious... sometimes i wish...i don't exist. Nur Amalina. Cahaya Harapan Kami. Saturday, September 09, 2006
for once, i wanted to forget everything that ever happened. this heart of mine was hurt too many times. u faked those stories. ur pretense grew more evident as days passed. u threw this friendship away. this sincere friendship i ever had with a guy. u forced me to admit what is not true. n i know myself best. i know my feelings well. u don't hafta force. u juz need to accept the reality. accept the pain. n probably reflect on what u did. this reality is probably a retribution. for u. u don't need me to rewind everything for u, do u? i don't know if i had forgiven u. n definitely i've not forgotten everything. i erased anything related to u off my mind, my world. n juz a few minutes ago, yeah, in the wee hours, all those memories came rushing back. i thought i had forgotten. but when i c tt number on my phone, i was surprised, i cld recognise it. my heart sank deeply. what was written is very humble of u. or maybe u had to? coz u're desperate for help when there's no one else ard? god knows how i felt. u really appreciate my help? yeah of course. humans only appreciate help when they're in despair. my help was not bcoz of u. my help was not bcoz she's ur mum. my help was not bcoz of superiority. my help was pure humaneness. fullstop. u're not asking a lot? juz forgiveness? meaning to say, the value of forgiveness to you is only a little bit? like the fullstop at the end of my sentences? then why bother apologize?? why?!! tt msg got me stucked. staring at the screen as my vision clouded. these will be the last tears that were shed bcoz of you. i vow from this second onwards, i won't cry. u simply don't deserve it. Friday, September 08, 2006
i ate 5 kit kats today. man, what was i thinking... for this week, had meetings n stuffs...eversince IVP ended, trainings are getting tougher...i almost recovered fully except for the strain in my neck a day b4 training on wed...but...the training worsened my condition...again, that explained why my heart was beating fast while on the way to school... khairil said, bring shoes or slippers...isn't that a weird request? why is there an option? was told by ria tt khairil said the slippers are not for running...so we were imagining all sort of stuffs tt he possibly wanted to do with our slippers...rupernyer...no diff...slippers or shoes, u still run...argh. n we trained somewhere near the auditorium b4 khairil took over n brought us to an engineering block...he asked us to climb the stairs all the way up, tt's 6 levels, cut across n down to the ground again...n we did 3 sets of tt...it automatically reminded me of crescent...our sec 1 mass run route every mon n thurs...except we had a rotunda, decorated with country flags, tt we have to run around...n i spent my time memorising which flag belongs to which country... i was rather disgusted by those men...hanging around in their...dunno what...painting or repairing or whatever-ing the building at level 3...surprisingly, they are malays..."kesian kak lari naik tangga" or sth like tt...i rolled my eyes sharply at them...i dun care who they are kacau-ing, but its juz so disgraceful of them...aren't u working? n you are paid only for that? then do your THING! urgh. aft tt, we separated...keriskuasa one side...the rest under kadir...everyone were so tired...trained all the three kicks...within the time given...with intervals for stretching n sit-ups...tt i have to excuse myself coz my neck is strained...sorry guys but yeah, like what kadir said, it will help strengthen ur abs!!! so tt u'd be strong in withstanding pain if u're kicked hard! ain't tt great?!! wheee!!! then had to practise some sequence...which we'll hafta rmbr...for the benefit of those who forgot, well...i'm listing them down..haha *sabit kanan, kiri, tojang kanan for right-handers, *sabit, sendeng *tumbuk, tojang, tumbuk, sabit i think tojang is the hardest skill...if u don't kick str8, the padding will go right or left...tt was when i hurt myself...was partnering wif syikin...n the padding, or is it my own knuckle?, hit my chin...n i think i accidentally bit my lips..can't rmbr lah..it happened so fast...n suddenly the pain came...n shah, being the concern n helpful guy he is, was there..."gi toilet, gi toilet lah"...n i just said "takpe, takpe"...only during a break tt syikin spotted i was bleeding...we ran to the toilet...ok it was true...then i cried...if during the previous training i could only understand, now, i could feel what syikin felt when she injured herself...within seconds we rushed back coz they already gathered back when we left them...kadir was like "siaper injured?"... "takde takde"...padahal khairil dah nmpk mase kite lari gi toilet...n my eyes were still teary at tt point of time...but as long as i can withstand, i WON'T give up. we went banquet again aft training, with adaw, lin n hilmi...i had some mood swings...i had no mood to eat...mebbe bcoz i was damn tired...or mebbe bcoz i cldn't take those hot claypot stuffs coz my lips are swelling...haiz...n hilmi...gosh...he ate a LOT...ok, i'm happy for all the new things u can do now...alhamdulillah... i thought i didn't injure myself much so was thinking of gymming today...but i woke up this morning...n my calves...gosh..is it a pull or overstretched or strained, i dunno but it's freaking painful...i'm walking like a penguin now...if u don't know how a penguin walks, then u should watch me...wakaka... n i've convinced my brain, tt i should rest...thus, i'm not going for silat tmr...i don't wanna miss out, but i'm seriously not well enough to train tmr...u guys train hard n proper kaez...i'll catch up soon. adios. Saturday, September 02, 2006
tue me, lin an adaw met up. bought ingredients. started baking. ok, stuffs like muffins, cookies, brownies...dan ape2 yg sewaktu dgnnye...they're really fattening. haha. a block of butter, cups of sugar n 3 eggs for an adunan. so sinful. lots of trial n errors. but we managed to find the faults. but it was getting late. so packed up n went for the meeting at pergas. me, lin n syikz wore all blue!       wed last minute was told about ssp meeting for org comm. which includes YOU. tt was what i received in the sms. pelik jugak. skali when i check my mail, i am in the org comm. part of the script team. oh, best of luck amalina. ahakz. couldn't go coz already planned the silat pple cycling at ecp. so yeah. it was raining when we wanted to cycle. so ate at macs first. then rent out bikes for 2hrs. halfway it started drizzling again, so we stopped. n played cards. ahakz. so funny. irfan asyik kene buli. haha. i guess he'll juz be, 'tukang pegang' cards. coz adaw's the mastermind. after cycling, butts were aching. haha. thurs all plans for tt day cancelled. BORING. fri continued baking. woke up late lah so when lin n syikz came, i juz finished bathing. wakaka. rabakz. later on adaw n su joined. it's so frustating when we juz can't figure out why our muffins naik n kembang while in the oven but after cooled, kempes balek. irritating kan...haha... went for silat at 4. i was very scared. dlm mrt jer dah gabra. rupernyer training was rabak. we did the usual conditioning n this time i can't escape from the jump-onto-the-bench-n-down-again thingy which they called 'frog jumps'...hish...then there was one part where we have to carry each other. al-maklum lah...since im really heavy, syikz was rushing. n we fell. my already aching butt ached even more. n syikz fell on her knees. ahhh!!! we excused ourselves to the toilet. she rolled up her track pants n...gosh...blood...scary...n tros she broke down...the cut was deep it revealed her flesh. i understand how u feel ah...pain physically n emotionally...but don't be too pressurised by khairil's comments about ur silat skills. seriously. kau belum kene kate2 tajam from apai. be strong girl. after that we learn more skills for jatuhan. how to jatuhkan n the right method of jatuh. which is when falling forward, forearm land first. n backwards, 'lock' ur neck. tt one, i haf trouble with. first kene dgn jasni. when i sendeng, he caught my leg. when i cldn't let go, i got scared redi lah...coz the only way of jatuhan tt he can do to me, since it a guy-girl 'fight', is the pull all the way smp jatuh, the jatuhan style we dislike most. coz nak buat senang tapi yang jatuh tu sakit. n yah, i started screaming. wakaka. imagine kalau competition mcm gitu, buat malu jek amalina...he pulled to the right, i kept my balance tapi dah pening when i see the surrounding, then he pulled again in dunno which direction n i wasn't prepared to fall yet, confident lah konon...so when i finally fall, i forgot to lock my neck...dgn kepale2 skali lah terhentak... n there was a second time oso...i forgot who was my opponent...n it was a harder knock on the head...then when we spa-ed among the year1s...tu lah yg aku kene terok...adaw is one hell of a girl...her kicks are so powerful!! one landed directly on my chest lah pls. dah pakai vest pun tetap sakit siak. rupernyer su pun kene the same thing ngan adaw. but cannot fight back except do jatuhan while the opponent attacks. so a lot of adaw's maha ganas kicks landed on my left arm. n falina's oso. coz of the pain, somehow, i started defending instead of doing jatuhan. shah realised it n tegur lah of course. then i revert back. it's ok guyz. silat kalau tak sakit bukan silat namenye...hehe aft training, me, lin, falina, adaw n su went jp banquet. kau...nak angkat itu claypot pun dah tak larat sey. my hands dah mcm nak give way. after dinner, went home. n i realised, my neck is strained. when i was lying down n wanted to get up, i can't. had to support my neck with my hands baru boleh bangon. ni semue gare2 jatuh tak betol ah. irritating. nak dongak pon susah. n my left arm...swollen. asked nurul tu urutkan my neck. kurang sikit ah but the next day, same jugak lah.. sat tak nak bangon actually..dah sakit2 mcm gini lagi nak gi hike...but what to do...dah janji...muffins lak dgn aku...kes terpakse ah nih...haha...more parts of my body were aching when i woke up this morning. my shoulders, my back...kaki tak payah cakap lah..jalan jer dah seret2...that morning asked for the massage oils that were in my mum's room..she advise to take panadol...haiz...i took lah...the children's one..haha..i don't like drug medicines ah.. set off..tersalah jalan coz of our 'ranger' azhar...haha...changed buses...reached BT..our president is there redi lah...haha...then we hike...mcm bnyk sgt yg nak dibualkan eh syikin? haha...asyik mengumpat jek...hish...haha...the first part was a very steep slope...n the ending was also, steep staircases...sth like tt lah...kaki aku nak give way sey...haha...at the summit...played all sorts of games...mcm2 lah jadik...ahmad injured aft tergolek down the lereng while chasing after the ball...the rugby game, tak tahan sey tgk farhan...that hindustan-like cak-cak dgn batang pokok thingy...sempatz...haha...n the singing session with syikz, lin, su, adaw, hilmi n nazif...coincidentally, it started drizzling..hehe..so we shift to the shelter. took photos. then turon. now at home, typing this entry eventhough i'm like damn tired n in pain. no one's at home. nurul have gone for qiyam n the rest to kampong. including bibik. jadi aku kenek jadi maid skarang. dan aku tak larat. n i tell u, i'm scared ok. aku tak boleh tau malam2 dudok rumah sorang2...urgh...n i'm supposed to study for tmr's exams. oh great. | ||||
